Ambivalence
by TheVillageOfBree
Summary: "I escaped my circle several times. But they always found me using my phylactery. Not that I minded being caught much. They always assigned the same templar to track me down. Or perhaps she asked. I hope it's the latter. On those long trips back to the tower - I in manacles, she glaring silently - the air practically sizzled." Eventual Anders/OC
1. Chapter 1

_"Ambivalence is a state of having simultaneous conflicting reactions, beliefs, or feelings towards some object. Stated another way,ambivalence is the experience of having an attitude towards someone or something that contains both positively and negatively valenced components."_

 **Firstfall 9:29 Dragon**

Brienne knew that her promotion was on the horizon, it was so close she could practically taste it on the tip of her tongue. She was a good Templar, no, she was a _great_ Templar and she knew it. The young woman prided herself in her professionalism and the respect she had worked so hard to gain from both the Mages and her fellow Templars. While some Templars didn't focus on being polite and respectful to their charges, she found it of utmost importance, if the mages respected her, the mages would be more likely to listen to her and do as she asked. Though she was polite, she was never overly friendly, there were boundaries that couldn't be crossed, while she was there to listen and acknowledge problems that mages had she never went further than that. Professionalism was essential if one didn't want to end up like _Cullen_ , one of her underlings who was clearly infatuated which Apprentice Amell. While Brienne didn't think it was her duty to interfere with Cullen's personal life (feelings for a mage had never done any harm, it was only if it progressed to a mutual relationship that it became a problem), that didn't mean she approved, she found it very unprofessional but was happy to see that he was respectful towards the mages at all. It was a good sign.

That morning at breakfast, she had been asked to attend a meeting with the Knight-Commander and she couldn't help the satisfied smirk that made its way onto her lips. _Knight-Captain Brienne_ , she could sense it, today was the day. One of the other Templars, Ser Katherine was sitting beside her and chewing thoughtfully on a cube of cheese.

"You think you're getting promoted, Brienne?" She asked. Katherine was a well natured woman with blonde hair and blue eyes, most people were surprised to discover she was a Templar, saying that she didn't seem the type. Brienne disagreed completely, Katherine was strong willed and a skilled fighter, a perfect candidate.

The Templar sitting across from them scoffed, "Brienne has been saying that for months and here she is, still sitting with us."

Brienne scowled, she didn't like Ser Eddard very much. He was much too brash towards both his fellows and the mages which set Brienne in a state of unease. Unfortunately most of the Templars leaned more towards his temperament and less towards that of her, Katherine and sometimes Cullen. On all accounts the young woman would have preferred the company of lovesick ninnies to that of a pompous arse like Eddard, respect the mages and the mages respect you, simple as that.

"I have a good track record, Ser Eddard, my promotion will come soon. Yours will not, all in all, it's more likely that Ser Cullen will become _Knight-Commander_ before you even reach Knight-Lieutenant."

Eddard spluttered, "Ser Cullen?! Are you insane Brienne? He's far too sympathetic, can you trust him to do his duty when the time comes? If Apprentice Amell becomes an abomination do you think he could kill her?"

Brienne crosses her arms, "yes."

Katherine nodded, "I agree. While Cullen is very protective of Amell I don't doubt that he would do what is necessary. He's a good Templar."

Eddard snorted, "Fine. But I still don't think Brienne is getting promoted today. Ser Hadley is Knight-Captain, we don't need another one."

Brienne stood from the table, "you shall have an answer within the hour. We will speak later, Ser Katherine, farewell."

Katherine nodded and Brienne turned on her heel. She began walking towards the Knight-Commander's office, her armour clanking loudly, she remembered when she found her armour cumbersome and heavy, but now it was familiar and when she was without it she felt she could drift off into the sky, she felt uncomfortably weightless. Many of the mages she walked past shot her a friendly smile or a polite wave, all of which she returned with a curt nod, nothing more, nothing less. It was all about moderation. One of the main reasons she was so hopeful about being promoted was because one day, one _glorious_ day, she would become Knight-Commander, she knew it and on that day the Circle Tower at Kinloch Hold would be run the way she wanted it to. Templars like Ser Eddard would be disciplined, perhaps even refused a position. Templars like Ser Katherine or Cullen would be promoted, Hadley would probably be allowed to keep his position, he was a decent man, respectable. Oh Maker, that day couldn't come soon enough. With a soft smile on her lips, Ser Brienne pushed open the doors to Knight-Commander Greagoir's office and found him sitting as his desk, First-Enchanter Irving was facing the far wall, arms crossed and mumbling to himself.

Greagoir grinned, "Ah, Knight-Lieutenant Brienne, punctual as always."

She thumped her fist against her chest, "Knight-Commander."

"I suppose you're wondering why you have been summoned here today." Greagoir said while shuffling through some papers on his desk, "I have a very important retrieval mission, one I'm sure can only be completed by a Templar such as yourself."

Brienne's heart fluttered. Today was the day, she would be Knight-Captain Brienne, "I am always willing to serve the Order, Knight-Commander."

"Good." Greagoir said with a smile, "We have an escaped mage on our hands, as far as we know he's been missing three days at the most and we sent for his phylactery last night."

Brienne's good mood plummeted, she knew what was coming, "If this mage is who I think it is…"

"It's Anders."

The Templar muttered several obscenities under her breath, this was the fourth time she had been sent to retrieve that damned mage, _fourth!_ While she always tried to maintain her professionalism around the mages and was always polite as possible. Anders had a habit of bringing out the worst in her, he was… _frustrating_ and much too talkative for her tastes. For some odd reason, he had taken a liking to her.

"Couldn't you send someone else, Knight-Commander?" Brienne asked, trying her best to keep a level tone.

Greagoir shook his head, "The mages respect you, Brienne. You are our best choice."

"The mages respect other Templars as well, I'm not the only one. Why not send Knight-Captain Hadley? Or Ser Katherine, maybe even Ser Cullen?"

"You know that Anders only complies when we send you. No one else will do, Knight- Lieutenant."

Brienne couldn't help crossing her arms, "You managed to retrieve him without my help the first two times."

"But not without great difficulty." First Enchanter Irving contributed, "Anders won't fight you, Ser Brienne, we're not sure why, but it isn't an advantage we're just going to let slip by."

Greagoir nodded, "We need him back as soon as possible, and you will leave as soon as we acquire his phylactery. Gather your things. Good day, Knight-Lieutenant."

Brienne nodded firmly, trying her best not to express the anger bubbling inside her, "Until then, Knight-Commander"

She was furious. She knew that she shouldn't have been, by all rights this should have been an honour, but it wasn't. What drove Brienne up the wall about this whole situation wasn't just that Anders was _insufferable_ but also that she knew the only reason she had been assigned to retrieve him was because he fancied her. This mission was not a merit of her talents or of her outstanding work ethic, no, it was because the mage in question _fancied her_. The Templar was absolutely livid as she stormed her way to her quarters, quietly grumbling to herself, one or two of her colleagues asked if she was alright and she tossed a quick, "I'm fine." In their directions and continued walking.

Katherine was waiting outside Brienne's room, leaning against the wood frame of the door, arms crossed, eyebrows raised.

"Didn't go as well as you'd hoped?"

"No. it didn't." Brienne said with a sigh, "I need to get a pack ready, I'll be leaving any day now."

"Oh no, not Anders again?" Katherine said, a sympathetic look on her face.

"Yes, Anders again. It's _always_ Anders again." The Templar massaged her temples, "Tell me, Ser Katherine. Do you think that I'm a good Templar?"

Katherine blinked, "You're my superior, Knight-Lieutenant. You must be a good Templar to obtain such a position."

"That's not what I mean, Katherine. I know that I'm only sent to chase after that Mage because he finds me… _intriguing_ I think is the word he used last time. Do you think the Knight-Commander would have any use for me if Anders changed his mind?"

The blonde scoffed, "You are respectful, professional, punctual, determined and a skilled fighter. The penultimate Templar." She smiled, "You're good at your job. Now go get ready to chase your admirer."

Brienne cringed.

* * *

Anders' phylactery arrived the next morning and Brienne was provided with a horse to make her journey easier, and more to the point, faster. The mage was heading in the direction of Denerim which he hadn't done before, usually he made his way towards the Storm Coast or the Korcari Wilds. Whatever plan the mage had didn't bother Brienne in the least, it was her job to find him and bring him back as efficiently as possible, regardless of where he was headed. Luckily it only took a week of brisk riding to reach the capital city, for a moment the Templar feared that Anders had somehow managed to barter passage out of Ferelden in the time it took her to reach him, but the phylactery said otherwise. Relief filled Brienne immediately, this would be a relatively easy journey, as annoying as a seven day horse-ride with Anders would be, the Imperial highway would lead them directly back to the tower from Denerim, no faffing about and getting lost in forests like that one time when Anders made his way into the wilds, not only did she have to deal with his irksome comments, but wolves and bears as well, it was _delightful_. This time it would be much less painful and she thanked the Maker for that.

After guiding the horse to a nearby stable and tying him up for the night, Brienne began following the phylactery around the city, sighing irritably when she found herself standing in front of the Pearl.

"A brothel." She muttered to herself, " _Of course_ it's a brothel, how _charming_."

With a disgruntled expression she made her way over to the building and pushed the door open, unfazed by the shocked looks the other patrons were giving her full Templar armour. Her blue eyes immediately locked on the figure attempting to blend in on the far side of the room, his circle robes and feathered pauldrons causing him to fail miserably. He was sitting across from a dark skinned woman who was smiling up at him, her chin rested in the palm of her hand. Brienne grumbled to herself and stepped towards him, unable to resist the urge to cross her arms.

"Anders."

The woman scurried away quickly and the mage looked up at her with a scowl, but much to her displeasure his lips slowly turned up into a smirk, "Brienne! I was hoping it would be you, it's always you isn't? One might think you have a _fondness_ for me."

"The order dictates-" She began while massaging her temples, but didn't have to finish because Anders' hands were already flung out in front of her, she cocked a brow.

"What?" He said, "You've already caught me. And who am I to deny a beautiful woman's urge to slap me in chains?"

Brienne groaned and pulled out a set of manacles, quickly fastening them around his wrists, "Very funny. Almost as funny as when you said it last time."

"Oh come on, it's not _exactly_ what I said last time." Anders said with a pout that reminded Brienne of a kicked puppy. She didn't like it.

"Same basic principle." She pulled Anders to his feet, "We're going to the Gnawed Noble and I'm booking a room for the night, I need rest before we head back to the tower come morning."

Anders leered, "only _one room_? I'm sorry, Ser Brienne, but couldn't you at least take me to dinner first?"

She frowned, "I will be sleeping on the floor. The bed is yours."

As she began ushering him back out the front door, the woman who had been sitting with him earlier shot him a wink.

"I hope to see you again someday, sparky."

Anders smirked at her, "Don't miss me too much."

Brienne almost didn't want to ask, but curiosity got the better of her, "sparky?"

"I can do this thing with lightning, drives the ladies _mad_." He wiggled his eyebrows, "Would you like a demonstration?"

Brienne visibly reddened, "Definitely not."


	2. Chapter 2

It appeared Anders was still a restless sleeper, if the foot dangling in front of Brienne's face when she awoke was any indication. She had slept on the floor, as she had promised and honestly should have rested on the other side of the room, instead of directly beside the bed where the majority of Anders seemed to be hanging. Brienne squinted up at the body above her, his left side was still on the bed, but the rest of him was dangling precariously over her. With a grimace she slowly worked at shuffling sideways, out from under his foot, before carefully standing up.

She quickly began donning her armour, just peering at the mage's sleeping face out of the corner of her eye. His hair was a mess and he was drooling slightly, how a man like that could manage escaping the tower this many times was beyond her.

"Anders." She said while fastening her left pauldron, "Get up."

He groaned.

"We're leaving in five minutes, you need to get up."

He sighed unhappily and sat up slightly, resting his chin in the palm of his hand, "Couldn't we leave a little bit later? Some of us need our beauty sleep."

Brienne scoffed, "You look fine. Get up."

He smirked, "Was that a compliment?"

"No."

"Whatever you say, Knight-Lieutenant." Anders replied, sounding far too satisfied with himself and slid off the bed. Brienne turned every shade of red on the spectrum. It seemed Anders had taken to sleeping in naught but his smalls.

"Put on some clothes!" The Templar exclaimed, turning her back to give him some privacy. Anders was snickering to himself and Brienne was fuming, luckily for both of them she could hear the rustle of fabric and turned to find Anders had slipped his robe back on. She sighed gratefully, "Let's go, shall we?"

Anders was positively beaming as they left the Inn. He seemed to be in remarkably good spirits, but she knew that he was just trying to irk her, and she wasn't planning on giving him the satisfaction. It didn't take long for her to pick up the horse from the stables and they were passing through the city gates just as the sun was just peeking over the horizon. The orange light was playing delicately across the grass and a light breeze was blowing through Brienne's hair, they were just reaching the end of autumn and most trees were bare, save for a few brown leaves dangling precariously from outstretched branches. Brienne breathed in the cool morning air happily, autumn was her favourite season and she would hate to see it go, she liked the colours, the oranges and browns, it was also a nice brisk sort of cool, like winter without the chill. The crisp leaves underfoot crunched pleasantly as Brienne walked across them and suddenly the ride back to the tower didn't seem so bad.

When they had made it a little further away from Denerim she swung herself up onto the back of the horse and strapped her pack to the saddle. Anders took a few seconds to get himself up behind her, his hands were still manacled after all, but very soon Brienne coaxed the horse into a brisk trot and they were well on their way. A smile slipped onto her face at the feeling of the cool wind blowing through her hair. Brienne heard a quiet sneeze from behind her, she had all but forgotten that Anders was allergic to horsehair.

"Are you alright, back there?"

He sneezed again, "I'm alright now, but it's only so long before I sneeze myself off the horse."

Brienne rolled her eyes, "I'm sure you can find something to grab hold of if you feel such a sneeze brewing."

" _Well…_ The only thing I can see within grabbing distance is you and I'm not sure how much you'd appreciate that."

Brienne stopped the horse with a huff and groped behind her for Anders' wrists.

"Whoa, getting a little handsy there, Knight-Lieutenant."

"Shut it, Anders." She snapped and unclasped his manacles with ease, "arms around me. Won't be as like to fall off this way. Don't be getting any ideas."

His arms snaked around her waist, a little too snuggly for her liking, but she supposed it'd have to do.

"We'll ride as hard as we can until nightfall, then we'll set up camp. Once we're off the horse, the manacles are back on. Are we clear?"

Anders sneezed again, "Crystal clear."

Brienne nodded, "Good."

* * *

"Maker…" Brienne breathed as she stared at the tree her horse had been tethered to the next morning. _Had_ being the operative word. The horse was gone, all her extra supplies with it, the Templar took a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself but she was _very_ angry. Someone had obviously taken it in the middle of the night and she was more annoyed with herself than anyone else, how did she not notice someone sneaking in and stealing their horse? How could she have been so useless?

Anders was still asleep in the tent and she could only imagine the teasing when he discovered she had lost their method of transport, worst of all, without the horse, their journey would at least double in length. Seven days with Anders would have been bearable, if only just. _Fourteen_ days with Anders was another matter entirely.

"Alright…" She muttered to herself, "No horse, that's manageable, the rest of the food is in the pack and should last us until the next village, I can carry the tent and the bedroll easily and I'm just going to have to keep watch from now on. If I don't sleep, no one can steal anything else. Maker have mercy on whoever stole my horse, because I _certainly_ won't."

With deep, calming breaths, Brienne ducked into the tent and grabbed her pack from where it was resting beside Anders. He was still asleep, snoring softly. Brienne didn't have it in her to wake him yet and so took herself outside to sort through her things.

She was right, there was plenty of food and water, elfroot potions as well if they were required. But something was missing and it took her a second to realise what.

"Andraste preserve me…" She whispered. There was only one vial of lyrium left, "No, no, no…Why did I leave my reserves in the saddle pouch? _Maker_."

It was only then that she really started to worry. She'd seen lyrium withdrawal before, she'd _experienced_ it before and it was terrifying. She knew the nearest Chantry that was likely to actually stock lyrium was in Lothering and getting there would add at least another week to their journey, she'd been _planning_ to cut across the Bannorn to save time but that all depended on how long she could last. For all she knew she might have already lost her marbles before they even reached Lothering.

"You're naked!" a voice exclaimed and Brienne turned to see Anders standing just outside the tent, in the process of tying his hair up. It was tousled rather adorably. She grimaced and looked down at herself, she was definitely wearing clothes.

Anders laughed and smiled sleepily, "I just mean you're not in armour yet. Planning on dressing down today?"

Brienne scoffed, "We've lost the horse. I haven't had time to dress properly."

The mage groaned, "You mean we'll have to _walk_?"

Brienne blinked, she was fully expecting him to laugh at her mistake, "You walked here didn't you?"

"Yes. But I wasn't planning on walking back again."

"Well, you're going to have to. I'll get us ready to head off again, wait right there."

Anders nodded and Brienne turned away, muttering curses under her breath. She still couldn't believe that she had let this happen, she was a seasoned Templar, good at her job, good at _everything_ , how could she have managed such a stupid mistake? Sure, it wasn't like she could have tied the beast up more effectively, she hadn't failed in _that_ aspect at the very least, but had she gone _deaf_? That was the only reasonable excuse for not hearing someone running away with her horse a mere five feet away. With a deep breath, Brienne set about putting on her armour, whatever it was she'd done wrong could wait. At that moment she needed to decide her course of action, cutting through the Bannorn was faster, but it meant longer without lyrium, taking a detour to Lothering meant lyrium but more time _with_ Anders. As she started putting down the tent, she sighed irritably. It was probably best for her to head straight for the tower, the Knight-Commander would want Anders back as soon as possible and she was _sure_ she could last two weeks without lyrium, it wasn't that long, she would be fine.

Brienne tossed a glance over her shoulder and saw Anders sitting on the grass, right where she had left him. He'd conjured a wisp and was bouncing it back and forth between his palms, though he was annoying, at least Anders usually did as she told him. Not as any Templar told him, _apparently_ , First-Enchanter Irving was sure he was only this complacent in her company, she hadn't the foggiest idea why. Trying to shake those thoughts from her head, Brienne started rolling up the tent and strapping it to her pack, it would be a long journey, but she was a good Templar, she could handle it.

"You know…" Anders began, obviously deciding ten minutes of silence was far too much for him to handle, "I didn't actually walk the _whole_ way."

"I figured as much." Brienne said, hoisting her pack over her shoulder, "You wouldn't have reached Denerim before me if you had."

He grinned at her, "I rode part of the way with a _lovely_ girl. I can't really remember her name, something floral, Rose probably. She had auburn hair, like yours. That's where the similarities end though, she was nice, very cheery."

"I'm sure you'll be surprised to know that a cheery disposition isn't a pre-requisite for Templar training."

"It isn't one for mages either, yet here I am!" Anders said with outstretched arms and a toothy smile, "Templars are a broody bunch, can't say I like them all too much."

Brienne smiled wryly, "This trek back to the tower is going to be great fun for you then, isn't it?"

Anders pulled himself from the ground, "Yes, actually. You, I like."

"Why…?" Brienne asked, her brow furrowed. That was the million-sovereign question, why did he like her? That question had been plaguing her for so long, but no one had ever given her a straight answer, maybe now she would finally know.

"You're just really fun to annoy."

That was when Brienne decided she wouldn't talk to him anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

After four days without sleep and two without lyrium, Brienne's strength was beginning to waver. She hasn't said a word in response to any of Anders' jabs and spent most of her time glaring silently. The blighted Mage seemed rather pleased with himself and it really tweaked a nerve.

"So, Brienne." He began, "do Templars have to take vows of celibacy?"

Brienne ground her teeth, "I would request that you refer to me by my title, Mage."

"Oooh, it speaks!" Anders said with a grin, "A different question, then? Can you tell me, Knight-Lieutenant, if Templars wear anything below their skirts? I've always wondered."

The Templar's lips turned down in a scowl, "I don't know, Anders. Can you tell me if mages wear anything under their robes?"

The question was purely rhetorical, so her cheeks turned crimson when he answered.

"I wouldn't know about _all_ mages, but I certainly don't and neither does Karl." He winked, "I also have a sneaking suspicion about Solona Amell, but you'd have to ask Ser Cullen about that."

Brienne visibly bristled, "Relationships between Templars and Mages are forbidden. Ser Cullen wouldn't break his vows."

Anders chuckled, "I know, I know. But seeing that sweet devoted look on his face makes it _very_ hard not to poke fun. You're very defensive aren't you?"

"I take pride in my role as a Templar. I don't like hearing distasteful rumours regarding my underlings."

They walked in silence for some time and Brienne was glad for it. Anders was always trying to get a rise out of her and with her lack of sleep it was becoming hard not to snap at him, which would have been very inappropriate. The Mage drove her crazy, but it was still her job to ensure his safety and treat him in a reasonable manner. Her blue eyes hovered on his face for a moment and her insides twisted, he was a handsome man and that made her uncomfortable. Experience had taught her that the longer you spend with a handsome man, the harder it is to resist him. She'd had several lovers before joining the Templars, having joined by choice instead of being recruited from the chantry, and each one had begun as a co-worker, a friend, a man she had spent substantial time with. Anders and she had spent _lots_ of time together, mostly because she was always bringing him back to the tower which took a week at best and because he liked to hang around her while she was on patrol. She knew a remarkable amount about him, this was because he loved to talk and when she refused to add to the conversation he was left talking about himself. The Templar shuddered as she looked at him, mere seconds ago she had been citing the Orders rules and here she was, thinking about what it would be like if she broke them. Despicable.

"You never answered my question." Anders piped up from beside her, "do Templars have to take vows of celibacy?"

Brienne frowned, "no."

The Mage shot her a painfully charming smirk, "does this mean you've ravished a few Templars in the darkest corners of the tower?" He paused, "waaaait, you have your own room don't you? You could just do it in there...much less exciting in my opinion."

"I have not _ravished_ any other Templars. We cannot have a relationship amongst our fellows."

Anders looked at her with wide eyes, "really? You can't be with Mages _or_ Templars? That's honestly rather sad, how do you not just _wither away_?"

"It's part of my duty."

"If you can't be with _anyone_ in the tower, and you seem to love your rules so very much, does that mean that you've never...?"

Brienne turned pink and grimaced, "I have."

"You _have?_ " Anders said with an excited grin, "Mage or Templar?"

She scoffed, "farmboy. His name was Garrett. I did have a life before I joined the order you _must_ realize."

Anders grinned, "How old were you when you joined the Order, anyway?"

"I began training at sixteen and took my vows at eighteen, as is common practice. However I wasn't transferred to the Circle until twenty."

"How old are you now?"

"twenty-nine."

The mage snickered, "That's funny, I thought you were at least forty."

A low growl escaped Brienne's lips and all thoughts of his being even _somewhat_ charming disappeared, "Could you cease your _infernal_ questioning?"

"Okay, sure. Just one more. Where did you live before you moved to the tower?"

"Lothering. My family is still there, I receive letters on occasion."

"Is that where your farmboy was from?"

"Yes. He was my neighbour."

They descended into another bought of silence, Anders' curiosity sated for a time, but Brienne knew that was likely to change. She shouldn't have answered any of his questions but her head was beginning to throb from lyrium withdrawal and anything to distract her from that was welcome. The longest she had ever gone without lyrium was four days, but that was a long time ago and her addiction would have become much stronger since then. She honestly wondered how much longer she could last, there weren't many Chantries around that she could ask to provide her with more of the blighted substance so it was only a matter of time before she succumbed to insanity. She looked over at Anders and wondered what he would do if she did totally lose it, would he make a break for it? Would he try and help? Brienne's head was causing her much pain and she tried not to let it show, she couldn't have Anders knowing she was becoming weak. What she really needed was sleep, perhaps the pain would subside if she wasn't so tired, but she didn't feel comfortable sleeping when Anders could simply leave. It was a dangerous situation, the one she was in. With a deep sigh she looked up at the sky and noticed the sun beginning to disappear below the horizon, the orange of the sunset was playing very nicely in Anders' hair and that thought made her frown. She grit her teeth and chalked it up to exhaustion.

"We'll set up camp here." She said quickly as they found a large clearing in the trees. Anders nodded and she started emptying their supplies from her pack. The grass below was soft and the weather seemed good, she sorely wished she could sleep, but knew she couldn't. Brienne rubbed her forehead and winced.

"Are you alright, Brienne?" Anders asked, his voice veiled with what seemed to be legitimate concern.

"I'm fine. Just sit down while I put up the tent."

The Mage did as asked but kept his eyes focussed on her. This made her uncomfortable and meant she had to try much harder to keep any pain from slipping onto her face, the tent didn't take very long to set up and she unceremoniously chucked the pack inside, along with a bedroll for Anders and began readying a fire pit. She motioned for the Mage to sit inside the tent and after a few seconds he held an apple out to her. Her eyes widened.

"Where did you find that?"

Anders shrugged, "Inside your pack. You don't look so good, Brienne. Eat something."

She growled, "You cannot go through my things."

"You're worried I'm looking for my phylactery aren't you?" Anders asked with a smirk, "Believe me, if I knew where it was, I would have been gone long ago. Now eat."

The Templar took the apple from his hand and winced at the way her fingertips tingled at the contact, even through her gauntlets, "Thank you. It would be wise for you to get some sleep, we're not even halfway back, yet."

"It would be wise for _you_ to get some sleep." He said, "I'm not going to run away. It's not like I could escape easily anyhow." He jingled his manacles for emphasis.

Brienne knew he was right and scowled before taking a big bite from the apple, "I will sleep outside at the foot of the tent, if you try to run I will hear you"

"Why do you always insist on giving me the bed?" Anders asked, "I mean, first you sleep on the floor at the Inn, then you don't sleep at all and now you're going to sleep outside?"

Brienne scowled and started undoing some of the buckles on her armour, "Mages deserve as much comfort as any other person. I am a Templar and at this moment, your guard, I don't require such privileges."

"This is why I like you." Anders said with a smile, "You're not like the other Templars."

Brienne shrugged her pauldrons off and shoved the rest of her armour in the tent with Anders before lying down on the grass, finishing the rest of the apple and tossing the core over her shoulder, "Get some sleep, Anders, we'll be up at dawn tomorrow."

The mage nodded and closed the front of the tent, his shadow barely visible, "Goodnight, Brienne."

"Knight-Lieutenant." The Templar corrected.

Anders laughed, "Oooooh, did I offend you? My apologies. Goodnight, _Knight-Lieutenant."_

Brienne couldn't help the smile that slipped onto her face as her eyes slipped closed. He was an idiot. But her exhaustion addled brain found it oddly adorable.


	4. Chapter 4

Her night was less than pleasant to say the least, usually she slept like a log and had trained herself to sleep anywhere despite the conditions, but without lyrium the nightmares come. She felt herself shaking as horrible images passed behind her eyes, the pain in her head was excruciating and her heart was beating fast. Brienne saw death, she saw destruction, she saw absolute pain. Her entire body was shuddering and her breathing was ragged, if this was only the first stage of the withdrawal, how long would she last? She curled in on herself, wrapping her arms around her body, feeling vulnerable and delicate without her armour. But when she awoke she felt better than she had the day before. The night's sleep had done her good and when she was walking or concentrating she almost couldn't feel the throb of withdrawal, it was still there, but it was tolerable. She and Anders hadn't made very good time, with the loss of the horse and her growing fatigue it had been hard to keep a steady pace. It would still take another week to reach the tower at least, longer if they continued at the speed they had been. Anders was reluctant to walk at anything other than a leisurely pace and she supposed she couldn't blame him, though she had once or twice made a jab about how much easier it must be to walk in robes than it is in her armour; that had only backfired on her, Anders ended up asking if it was an elaborate scheme to get him out of his robe. Brienne couldn't help but scoff when remembering _that_ conversation. They had been walking for a good few hours without incident and the weather had actually been rather nice, if not a little on the cold side. But Brienne could tell that was all going to change when she saw a group of men walking towards them.

"Anders, stay behind me." Brienne hissed and shoved him out of the way. Upon closer inspection, it seemed to be a group of five, the one at the head of the group had a greatsword strapped to his back while the others only seemed to be carrying daggers or lightweight bows. Bandits. Fairly well equipped bandits, but still bandits all the same. Brienne breathed deeply and drew her blade, locking eyes with the head of the group. He grinned at her.

"Hello there, lovely lady. Didn't know Templars took on your type." He drawled and Brienne glared.

"Just be on your way. We've nothing for you."

One of the other bandits laughed, "Nothing? Nothing at all?"

"That sword ought fetch a decent price, armour too." Another added quickly, "and I'm sure we can find _somewhere_ to sell the robes."

" _Heeeeeeeey!_ " Anders said, "Hands off my robes!"

Brienne groaned, "Anders. Hush."

The leader of the group stepped forward, he was almost a head taller than Brienne, though still not as tall as Anders and had shaggy black hair that was hanging in his green eyes. His lips curled into a smile, "Look here, Darling. We're going to take whatever you have, you just aren't going to be alive when it happens."

Brienne saw his hand move to grab the axe on his back and shoved Anders as far away as she could before ducking, just as the axe whizzed through the air where her head had been. She drove her blade up through his chin before he had the chance to take another swing and watched as he collapsed to the ground. Within seconds she had her shield off her back and was charging for the nearest archer, knowing that fighting with arrows flying through the air was never easy. He went down to the ground when her shield collided with his head and Brienne spun around just in time to miss a jab from one of the rogues behind her, he swung another dagger towards her and it just barely sliced her left cheek before she had time to dodge, she took a deep breath before forcing her blade through his leather jerkin and letting him slump to the floor. Brienne had just enough time to make quick eye-contact with Anders who was looking ready to join in the fight and shake her head at him before deflecting a dagger swipe with her shield. She went to drive her sword through the rogue's throat but was started by an explosion of energy all around her, the archer she had left unconscious on the ground and the one she had yet to deal with were both engulfed in flames and screaming. Brienne locked eyes with Anders who had his manacled hands held in front of him, a ball of lighting crackling in his palms.

Brienne went to tell him to stop but he cut her off with the word, "Duck!"

She did. Anders' lightning bolt collided with the rogue she had been fighting, just as he began raising his dagger above his head. His body shuddered for a couple of seconds before collapsing to the ground. Brienne breathed a sigh of relief and examined the carnage around them, corpses were bleeding and burning. Her hand ran gently over her cheek where she had been cut, it wasn't deep, but it stang something terrible and blood was beginning to drip down her chin. With a groan she reached for one of the elfroot poultices hanging from her belt and ripped the cork out with her teeth, preparing to spread it over the wound, but her gauntleted hands were quickly replaced by Anders' bare ones.

"I can heal that." He said, "I default to healing spells, I'm good at it."

Brienne growled at him, "You shouldn't have interfered. I am supposed to protect you and above all else, you aren't supposed to use spells outside of the circle! What if you had hurt someone?"

Anders' eyes narrowed, "He was going to kill you, Brienne."

"He wouldn't have been able to. I know what I am doing, you have to trust me, Anders."

"You have to trust _me!_ " Anders snapped, "I can control my magic as well as you control your sword. I was only trying to protect you."

"You don't _need_ to protect me. It's my duty to protect you! Magic is unpredictable, no matter how well you control it, there's no way you can know-"

Brienne paused and her thoughts finally caught up with the words coming out of her mouth, "Maker…I'm…Anders I'm so sorry."

Anders huffed and wouldn't meet her eyes, "Is that really what you think of mages, Knight-Lieutenant?"

Brienne cringed, for the first time in her life, the use of her title _stung_ , "No…I…I just wasn't thinking straight. I was worried about you back there and…I didn't want you getting hurt. You were just trying to help…I shouldn't have snapped, it was unbecoming of me." She took a deep breath and bowed her head, "I don't mean a word of what I said. Magic is just…it's hard for those who don't have it to understand."

Anders laughed bitterly, "And it's hard for those who have it to understand a life without it."

"I'm truly sorry for what I said." Brienne breathed, looking deep into Anders' eyes.

Anders smiled gently at her, "Apology accepted. Do you want me to heal your cheek?" he asked, cupping it in his hand.

Brienne nodded and smiled back when she felt cool healing magic rushing over her skin, "Anders…?"

"Yes, Brienne?"

"I…I think that after today, I can trust you enough to remove your manacles." She cringed slightly at her own statement.

He beamed, "Really? I have earned the trust of the great Brienne Denner. Oh, let me send a missive to the King and tell him the happy news."

Brienne scoffed and shoved his palm off her cheek, "If you keep acting like that, I might change my mind."

She pulled the key out from her belt and unshackled the mage's wrists. He smiled toothily and placed his palm on Brienne's cheek again, she frowned.

"Wow, that frown could kill a man, Brienne. Careful who you use it on." He winked, "I never finished healing you. It'll just be a second."

Brienne couldn't help but smile.

Later that day, after the two had set camp up again. Brienne could feel her withdrawal symptoms growing stronger. She and Anders had mostly gone back to the way they had been before the fight, he was poking fun at her and she was trying her best to ignore it. But honestly, she had started taking part in the teasing, occasionally tossing a jape back at him when previously she would have thought such things below herself. Anders seemed to be enjoying their banter and she was secretly enjoying it too. It took her mind off the ache in her head which was getting steadily worse. While sitting in front of the fire Brienne clutched her forehead and gritted her teeth. Even though it was going to add another week to their journey, she needed lyrium. Lothering was only four days walk south while the tower was still a good eight days away, she could survive four days, eight would be pushing it. The Templar sighed, defeated.

"Anders. We're going to Lothering."

He raised an eyebrow, "Why? I mean, I'm not complaining I have absolutely been _relishing_ our time in the great outdoors, you just seemed so keen to drag me back to the tower before."

"I…I need to gather some supplies."

"Sure?" The Mage asked, "You haven't had a change of heart and decided to run away with me yet?"

In spite of her headache, Brienne laughed, genuinely laughed, "Not yet, but it's coming."

"Was that a joke?" Anders asked, seeming legitimately surprised, "Wait…you're actually _smiling?_ "

"Yes, I do possess the ability." Brienne lowered her voice to a whisper, "Don't tell the other Templars or ill lose my position."

Anders grinned, "It seemed I've had a good influence on you, Brienne."

She snorted, "Don't push it, mage."

He winked, "Whatever you say, _templar_."


	5. Chapter 5

**Firstfall 9:29 Dragon**

They'd been heading south for one full day before setting up camp again, despite her initial worry about going to Lothering, Brienne was happy to know that she was on her way to getting some lyrium. It wasn't only her head that throbbed now but her entire _being._ Everything ached and she wanted desperately to just collapse in a warm bed and let the Maker take her. Her hands shook and she could barely find the strength to put one foot in front of the other, doing up the clasps of her armour that morning had seemed such a difficult task that she considered it pathetic. Brienne knew she was reaching her limit, there wasn't much longer she could stay lucid, she wouldn't die yet, of course not. Death took longer. Insanity came first. Setting up the tent had been almost embarrassing, she'd made sure to do it while Anders was off collecting firewood so he didn't see the way her hands shook and her knees almost buckled under her weight. She didn't often question the ways of the order, but feeling her head screaming like that really made her wonder, was lyrium worth its side effects?

In an almost fruitless attempt to keep withdrawal at bay, Brienne had been talking to Anders as much as possible. It didn't hurt as much when she was distracted, or at least she didn't notice it. He was actually a very good conversational partner, in fact, Anders had many redeeming qualities. He was gentle and kind, remarkably, he was also much more intelligent than she had ever given him credit for. Mostly, he made her laugh, but that was another thing all together. Part of her found herself more than enjoying his company, she'd always had a slight fondness for him (though she could never admit it to herself) and that had only grown on this trip and it was becoming dangerous, to say the least. Things were getting…personal, too personal. Brienne always kept the mages separate from her personal life, she was polite, but distanced, with Anders though…that had changed entirely, and it scared her.

"You don't talk about your family much." Anders said and Brienne peered at him over the fire, "What are they like?"

She cocked an eyebrow, "Why do you want to know?"

He smirked, "I only want to know more about the people who managed to create such a _beautiful_ woman as yourself.

Brienne snorted, "You're an idiot, but I suppose there's no harm in telling you. My family owns a farm in Lothering where I lived most of my life before joining the Order, my mother tended the fields while father and I took care of the livestock. When I became a Templar my younger sister Agnes took over my duties. Father insisted he could manage on his own, but he's only got one leg for Maker's sake, he often refuses help even though he _sorely_ needs it."

"How'd he lose the leg?"

The Templar rested her chin on her palm, "The Battle of River-Dane. He claims it was the Orlesian Commander himself who lopped it off, but we all know it was just some squire with a battle-axe. My father worships the ground Teryn Loghain walks upon, and would probably marry him should the opportunity arise. When Agnes married a few years ago she moved to Denerim and father was so jealous that one of his daughters would be living in such close proximity to the man himself, mother says she finds his obsession strange, but oddly endearing."

"We're going to Lothering, maybe we could pay them a visit?" Anders asked with a smile.

Brienne chuckled, "As much as my mother would love the company, we honestly don't have the time. They live on the outskirts of the village anyway, out in the farmland."

Anders ran a hand through his hair, "what do you think she'd think of me?"

"My mother?" Brienne asked, one eyebrow raised, "I…I can't really say. She already knows about you of course, but I don't know if she-"

" _wait!_ " Anders cried, cutting her off, "You've told your mother about me?"

Brienne frowned, "Yes."

He smirked, "Anything interesting?"

"Oh, yes. All bad things, of course." The Templar said, unable to resist returning his smirk.

Anders laughed, "Ouch, Brienne. How could you?"

"Did you expect me to lie to my mother? You absolutely _vexed_ me, so that's what I told her."

The mage snickered, "I suppose she wouldn't be too pleased to meet me, then?"

"Probably not."

Out of nowhere, Brienne's head twinged painfully and she almost gasped in pain. She could just barely hear Anders still talking to her, but louder than that was the throbbing in her skull. For a few seconds she was confused, almost forgot where she was and what she was doing, for one terrifying moment, Anders' face was foreign to her. Memory lapses had always been the part of withdrawal that scared her the most, pain she could handle, but forgetting who and where she was frightened her. Then, as quickly as it had come, the pain was gone and everything was familiar again. Brienne knew she'd have to get to sleep soon, that moment of weakness could only be leading to another one.

Anders was looking at her, almost concerned. She forced a smile, "Sorry, zoned out for a second. You asked me something?"

"Yes…" He began, clearly not believing her, but running with it anyway, "I asked if your family name means anything."

Brienne sighed, "You're inquisitive today, Anders."

He grinned, "You haven't asked me to stop yet."

"True enough." Brienne said, smiling gently at him, "If you ask my father that question he will tell you that one of his ancestors was present for the construction of Denerim, back when it was a fishing village, he thinks that's where we got our name. Denerim, Denner. If he's right, that means our distant family may have lived in the presence of Andraste herself, which would be momentous, to say the least. Honestly, though, my father is a brilliant storyteller, but most of it is usually lies, so I can't be sure."

"What do you think, you believe him?"

She shrugged, "I think I _want_ to. It sounds so interesting, but I never really developed father's love of extravagant stories. The truth is enough for me."

"I like you, Brienne." Anders said, happily and Brienne raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, you've said so before. You find me fun to annoy."

He chuckled, "Glad to see you remember. But its more than that, you're very…genuine."

Brienne's heart swelled at that and a soft smile slipped onto her face, "Thank you. I…enjoy speaking with you, Anders."

He smiled and seemed to be moving closer towards her, she was about to ask him what he was doing. But her stomach lurched suddenly and her head ached worse than it ever had before. She gritted her teeth and clutched her forehead, a sharp hiss escaping her lips.

"Brienne…are you okay?" Anders asked and she dismissed his concern with a wave of her hand.

"I'm fine, I just need to get some rest."

That was partially true, a good night's sleep had seemed to delay the pain in the past. Anders still didn't know the real reason they were going to Lothering and she wasn't planning on telling him. Mages weren't supposed to know of the Templars' weakness and she would hide it, as best she could.

"I trust you can put the fire out yourself?"

Anders nodded.

"Good, I will speak with you again tomorrow, when I'm feeling better." She said quickly and spun on her heel, walking back towards the tent as calmly as possible. Her eyes were beginning to droop and the world seemed clouded, she had to get to sleep before she had another memory lapse. But then, almost without warning, her legs decided to fail her. Brienne's head felt as though it was going to split in two and the world began to spin, she fell to the ground with a clatter of armour and a yelp of pain escaped her lips. Where was she? Who was she? She could hear her heart beating in her ears, it was thunderous and every other noise was faint, a whisper. Her breath was ragged, she had known this moment would come, but she didn't expect it to be so soon, so sudden. Her world was nothing but pain and confusion, her limbs didn't want to move and her eyes didn't want to focus. Everything outside of herself was a blur, her whole body shuddered and her head throbbed. Was this death? Was she going to die?

Somewhere, beyond her world of pain, she felt a tug on her arm, almost insistent. She squinted her eyes, she had to focus, what was it? Brienne could just barely make out a face, soft brown eyes, sharp nose, beautiful hair. Her hand subconsciously drifted towards it, resting upon its cheek. Who was this? Why were they here?

 _"Brienne what do you need?"_ a voice said insistently, it sounded far away, _"I'm a healer, c'mon, Brienne, I can help you."_

The face was warm under her palm, she gently ran her fingers over rough stubble, through soft golden hair, "Did the Maker send you?" She whispered, her mind beginning to fail her, "Am I going to die?"

 _"Not if I can help it"_

She felt something running though her, something foreign, something strange. The pain in her head subsided, but only slightly. The face above her was contorted in concentration, her hand still rested upon its cheek. There wasn't much improvement, it didn't hurt quite as much, but everything was still hazy, she was still lost. Who was she? Then, the magic pulsed through her, strong enough to bring her back for a second, a second was all she needed. Suddenly the face was Anders and she was Brienne, her hand buried itself in his hair and she managed to croak out the word, "Lyrium." Something that appeared like realisation dawned in his soft eyes and he nodded firmly. She felt hands tugging at the clasps of her chest plate and within a few seconds it clattered to the ground somewhere off in the distance, Anders looked into her eyes and placed his palms on her torso.

 _"You aren't going to like this"_

She didn't. It hurt. The pain came from everywhere, from inside, from outside. Her bones were on fire and her flesh was melting. A scream leapt from her throat before she could stop it and her heart was beating so fast she felt it would burst from her chest, liquid fire coursed through her veins and it felt like the weight of all Thedas was pressed down on her body. She couldn't stop shaking, her body trying to escape the torture and Anders pressed his hands down on her torso, she couldn't move. Another scream escaped her and hot tears poured from her eyes, but the mage held her firm. Then, slowly, the pain began to fade. Anders lifted his hands from her body and collapsed down next to her. She still couldn't move her legs, but her arms worked fine. With gritted teeth and aching bones she managed to reach out and clasp his hand in hers, whatever he had done was painful, but it had worked. She was lucid, she could think again. And all she could think about was him.

"What did you do?" She whispered, hoping he could hear her. His fingers tightened around hers.

"Raw magic." He breathed, "It's not lyrium, but it's the next best thing."

"Why did it hurt so much?"

The mage chuckled softly, "You aren't _supposed_ to have raw fade essence pushed into your body, Brienne." He winced slightly, "and in retrospect, I shouldn't have pushed it into you."

"Thank you, Anders." She croaked and just barely managed to roll onto her side, her eyes locked with his, "are you okay?"

He nodded, "I'm exhausted, I just…I need a minute."

Brienne blinked and wasn't sure was drove her to do so, but she began running her fingers down his cheek, "Why didn't you run?"

"I couldn't just let you die."

"You would have been free."

"you would have been dead." He pulled himself up into a sitting position and Brienne followed suit, her heart fluttering when his hand cupped her face,"I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I like you, Brienne."

Then his lips were on hers. She couldn't remember which of them moved first, whether he pulled her to him or she leaned in of her own accord, it felt sudden, but it wasn't. She'd wanted this, for longer than she cared to admit. Something inside her was screaming that this was wrong, but the rest of her shoved that back, the rest of her was screaming that this was _right_. Her arms wrapped around his waist and she pulled him flush against her, he was warm and gentle and his lips felt so good against hers. A soft groan escaped him and she could feel it rumbling in his chest, his hands delved into her hair and her heart soared. The kiss was wonderful, having him in her arms was wonderful, but it was _wrong_. With that suddenly realisation she pulled herself from him and shuffled back a few inches, her chest heaving. Anders smiled at her gently, his cheeks flushed and his hair tousled.

She took a deep breath, "Anders…We shouldn't have done that."

"I know."

"We can't do it again." She replied, her voice shaky.

"I know." He paused thoughtfully, the smile still on his lips, "Do you regret it?"

Brienne squeezed her eyes shut and told him the truth.

"No."


	6. Chapter 6

Brienne shivered as she walked into the water. It was freezing, of course it was, winter was just a week away, but she needed a bath, she knew she must have smelled something awful and honestly didn't want to visit Lothering in such a state. She waded into the lake until the water just reached the base of her stomach and settled about cleaning herself with a bar of soap. While it was freezing, it was also refreshing to wash the stink of the past week or so away. She was happy to be away from Anders, even briefly if it meant a chance to think about what had happened between them.

Honestly, she blamed herself entirely and she couldn't _imagine_ herself doing something like that, she had broken a vow, something she swore never to do and it made her sick. What made her feel even worse though, was that she had _liked_ it and by Andraste she wanted to do it again.

Just thinking about the kiss made Brienne groan and hold her head in her hands, what kind of Templar _was_ she? How was she supposed to expect a promotion when she was making horrible mistakes like that one?

Out of nowhere, Brienne was brought from her reverie by a rustling of bushes, coming from the shoreline. She held her breath and eased herself into a defensive stance, she was entirely naked and shivering but she wouldn't be caught off guard. The rustling became louder and she worked out just how quickly she could reach the sword at the edge of the lake before the person reached her. What she hadn't anticipated was Anders stepping through the bushes. She shrieked and ducked down into the water so it just reached her chin, Simultaneously, Anders slammed a hand over his eyes.

"I didn't see anything!" He exclaimed.

Brienne's eyes narrowed, "you're lying."

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are, Anders!"

She could see him cringing behind his hand, "I might have seen a _little_."

"And..?"

He shrugged, "it was a pleasant experience."

Brienne's cheeks reddened, "not what I meant, Anders!"

"Then what did you mean?" Anders asked, his free hand resting on his hip.

Brienne glowered at him, "I was hoping for an apology, you know, for bursting in on me."

"Sorry." Anders said with a shrug, "honestly though, we are in the woods, s'not like there was a door I could knock on."

Brienne was shivering again now, all her body (bar her head) had gone completely numb. Anders still had a hand clasped diligently over his eyes and she was wondering if she could get him to keep it there while she exited the lake and put her clothes back on. Only to notice his free hand was working about undoing the buttons on his robe.

"...Anders?"

"Yes, Brienne?"

"What are you doing?"

His hand returned to his hip, the buttons almost undone all the way to his navel, "Getting ready to have a bath."

"I'm still in here."

He shrugged the robe from his shoulders and it pooled around his feet. Brienne yelped slightly and slammed her own hand over her eyes.

"You can look if you want to." He drawled and she could practically _hear_ his smirk.

"No, thank you!" Brienne could feel the cool water moving around her as Anders waded his way in. She had no idea how close he was to her and had no plan to remove her hand from her eyes.

"I'm in the water now, relax, Brienne."

She peered through her fingers and could just see his head peeking out of the lake. With a sigh she pulled her hand from her eyes and wrapped her arms around her chest to keep warm. Anders was a good five feet away from her and smiling gently, "Come closer."

She shook her head, "I...I need to get out now."

"No, seriously, come over here." Anders said, grinning.

Brienne cocked an eyebrow, "why?"

That was when Brienne noticed the water around Anders was steaming. Her mouth dropped open, "are you doing that?"

He smiled, content, "nice warm water over here."

"Now, that is just rude."

As much as Brienne would have _loved_ the warm water, she had been trying to keep her distance from Anders after that kiss they shared. She absolutely despised herself for letting such a thing happen, and as much as she wanted to blame the lyrium withdrawal or _anything else,_ she couldn't. The reason she couldn't find anything to blame for that dastardly moment of affection was because she had damned well wanted it. Sweet Maker she _still_ wanted it. Looking briefly at the Mage smiling at her over the water and taking quick note of the way his hair looked when it was wet, Brienne decided she needed to get out of the lake as soon as possible.

Anders pouted, "So you _aren't_ going to join me?"

The Templar shook her head and began making her way to the shore, as quickly as she could without accidentally giving Anders a view of her chest.

"Hey!" Anders exclaimed and his hand wrapped around her wrist, "why're you running away?"

Brienne scoffed, "I'm not. I've been in here far too long already, my armour needs polishing and my sword needs sharpening, plus, it is _freezing_ "

Before she had a chance to detest, Anders used his grip on her wrist to tug her to him. Her eyes widened when she collided full with his chest.

He smirked, "it's not freezing here."

He was right, the water around his body was _divine_ and so pleasant after the time Brienne had spent in the cold. But that feeling wasn't quite as good as the sensation of his bare chest pressed against hers. The Templar was brought back to reality with a start and pulled herself away from him, forcing her arms to remain at her sides inside of wrapping around his shoulders.

"Anders..." She warned. Her will to resist him dangerously fragile, "we can't...remember?"

He shrugged, with a smirk "can't what?"

In that moment she could have punched him, "We can't _be together,_ Anders." She frantically gestured between the two of them, "Like… _this!_ You know that."

He stepped closer again, "Brienne. No one would know."

She glared at him, " _I_ would know, Anders. I don't know if I'd be able to live with myself. I took _vows_."

With a deep breath, she stepped away from him and back into the cool water. She held her head high and stood at her full height, trying to convince herself that she was confident in her decision. Standing this way meant her chest was out of the water and she was sure Anders had noticed, but she was honestly beyond caring, she wasn't a modest woman, she was a professional woman, there was a difference.

"My job is to get you back to the tower safely, nothing more." She said, bluntly.

Anders looked hurt, genuinely hurt, "That's all, Brienne? You're just dragging me back to captivity, that's all?"

She looked up at the sky, unable to meet his eyes, "Maker…" she breathed, "Anders…that…you know that isn't what I meant, I just…"

"You're just doing your job?"

"Yes." She sighed, she was going to tell him the truth, "Right now…I wish I didn't have to. Whatever it is I feel for you…I shouldn't, but I do and I can't help it. That kiss…it shouldn't have happened, it's just brought all these _feelings_ to the surface, for both of us. We have to stop this now, before it becomes anything more."

Anders sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, "…You're right, Brienne." Then suddenly, his smile was back, "This doesn't mean you're going to start ignoring me again, does it?"

She smiled back, relieved, "Of course not."


	7. Chapter 7

**Haring 9:29 Dragon**

Brienne smiled when she saw Lothering on the horizon they had been walking for almost three days and it had been growing steadily colder. Winter had officially begun. She and Anders had continued as normal after their talk in the lake, they had been…touching more than usual, but it was so infrequent that Brienne had written it all off as coincidence. A brush of hands as they walked, a hand on a shoulder to re-gain balance after a stumble, delicate fingers trailing down her cheek…That one had been harder to justify, she decided she must have had dirt on her face and Anders had been wiping it off. Despite her own words a day or so before, Brienne was guilty of stealing glances whenever Anders was slipping out of his robes or gently stroking his arm to wake him up in the mornings. Everything about him was just so inviting and he had the nicest smile.

Brienne ran a hand through her hair with a huff, still quietly hoping that whatever it was she felt for the mage would disappear when she got lyrium back in her system. Luckily that stunt Anders had pulled with the raw magic a few days ago had been enough to keep her withdrawal at bay, she could just feel the light ache of an oncoming migraine, but even that would be sorted after a quick visit to the chantry.

"Are we staying at the Inn tonight?" Anders piped up from beside her.

She nodded, "Sounds like a good idea, I think we still have enough coin."

"Do I have to come into the chantry?" The mage asked, "The sisters generally aren't too fond of me."

Brienne cocked an eyebrow, "I can't very well leave you outside, can I?"

"It's not like I'm going to go anywhere. You'd just catch me again anyway." He grinned, "Also id _miss_ you."

"It will only be for a minute, Anders. I'm sure you can manage."

He pouted, it was cute, " _Alrigggght._ But only if you let me hold your hand."

Brienne laughed, "How old are you, Anders? Because you're reminding me of Agnes when she was about seven. You can stay close if it pleases you, but _no handholding._ "

"You sure?" He asked, a smirk slipping onto his face, "Not even if I'm _especially_ good?"

"When the day comes that you manage to be especially good, I might think about it." The Templar replied, returning his smirk.

It only took another half-hour of walking to make it into Lothering proper. The village was quiet and peaceful, just as Brienne remembered from her last visit, she couldn't help getting the littlest bit nostalgic knowing that her family home was just a good two hours walk south on the outskirts of Lothering. She almost considered changing her mind about Anders' suggestion a few days back to pay her family a visit, but after taking one look up at the sky and seeing the sun slowly beginning to set, she knew they wouldn't have time and even if they _did_ this little excursion had _not_ been for her own personal benefit, she had to get Anders back to the tower and that was it.

When they reached the chantry, Brienne began walking to the back room where she knew the Revered Mother resided. Anders was keeping good and close to her as she walked, not causing any trouble, just being _close_. She could practically feel his arm brushing hers and she was fairly sure that it was just happenstance, he wasn't intending for the contact to occur and she _certainly_ wasn't.

"Could you tell your Templar friends to stop looking at me like that?" Anders asked, giving one such Templar the stink-eye, "I know I am _very_ attractive, but I don't appreciate being stared at."

Brienne scoffed, "Yes you do, Anders."

"By _you_ maybe, but not by…these fellows."

She shot him a look, "We'll be out in a minute and they won't bother you anymore. Also, I _do not_ stare at you."

The mage wiggled his eyebrows, " _Sure_ you don't."

The Templars had been giving Anders wary glances and it took Brienne a few moments to realise why. He was a mage, clearly past his harrowing, walking back to the tower accompanied by a Templar and yet he remained unmanacled. While she knew Anders was as docile as a kitten in her company, none of the other Templars would and she didn't real care to explain it to them. Lest the _kiss_ somehow come up. Her heart thumped at the mere thought of it, glancing at Anders out the corner of her eye and unintentionally wondering if that moment ever crossed his mind.

"It's just lyrium withdrawal." She muttered under her breath, "one vial of the blighted substance and it will go away."

Brienne quietly entered the back room of the chantry and felt Anders step into place behind her, one of his hands dangerously close to resting on her shoulder before he pulled it away. She sucked in a breath and tried to ignore it, instead turning her attention to the other woman in the room. The Revered Mother was a kindly old woman that Brienne had known since her youth and she was honestly happy that someone else hadn't taken her position, though Brienne knew that lyrium was part of what made her a Templar she always felt this odd sense of shame when admitting that she needed _more_ of it and much preferred asking it of someone she trusted.

"Hello, Revered Mother." She began, "I trust you are well?"

A soft smile graced the older woman's lips, "Ser Brienne, it is good to see you. How fairs the tower?"

"Well, last I was there. I've been away for near two weeks." She jabbed a thumb towards the mage behind her, "I'm escorting Anders back there, we continue our journey tomorrow."

The Revered Mother nodded, giving Anders a quick once over before turning back to Brienne. She felt Anders' fingers reaching for hers and she hastily moved her hand away, "Is there anything the Order requires of me, Brienne? Or are you just paying a visit on your way through?"

Brienne cleared her throat and squared her shoulders, "I require lyrium for the return trip, I ran out sometime ago."

"Ah, that is no problem Knight-Lieutenant. Speak to one of the chantry sisters, I'm sure it can be arranged quickly." The older woman bowed her head, "Maker watch over you."

Once they set foot outside the chantry, Anders groaned and began rolling his shoulders, "I _hate_ chantries."

Brienne sighed, glad to feel the weight of extra lyrium in her pack, "Thank you for coming with me regardless. However, I can't say I appreciate how close you were to initiating that handholding we both agreed wasn't going to happen."

"C'mon, Brienne." Anders pleaded, "She was _staring_ at me and I just…"

"It isn't like she could kill you with her gaze, Anders."

The mage rubbed the back of his neck, "He gaze doesn't have to _kill_ me. Chantries just make me uncomfortable, they don't like mages in there. I know that they say the accept everyone, but they just don't and the way that woman was looking at me…"

"Hey…" Brienne started, entirely unsure what to say to him, "The Revered Mother won't do anything to you, her job is to provide protection to all and so she will. Even if…even if for _some_ reason she did attack or harm you, I would defend you to my last breath. That's my job, Anders."

He laughed bitterly, "Would you defend me if I became an abomination?"

"Of course I wou-"

Brienne froze. What was she saying? Templars kill abominations, that's what they do that is their duty. Protecting an abomination is _not_ right. Her heart thumped in her chest and her eyes locked with his, he was staring at her, daring her to answer his question but she couldn't force herself to finish her sentence. She was attached. That was her number one rule, no attachment, no matter what happens Templars need to remain separate from the mages, polite and respectful but always distant. Brienne couldn't remember when that rule was broken, the first time she allowed him to call her by name, the moment when their lips met…it didn't matter, it was broken. Looking at Anders' face, his playful eyes and golden hair, she couldn't imagine him becoming an abomination and could imagine killing him even less. She took a deep breath and looked away from him.

"We need to book a room at the Inn." Brienne forced herself to say, "It's beginning to get dark."

He followed after her silently. The only sounds being their footfalls on the grass below as they headed to the Inn. There was only one room available and that room only had one bed. Brienne had shucked her armour and prepared to sleep on the ground as she had many nights before, the winters breeze was blowing through the crack below the door and up through the floorboards. Without her armour, she felt lighter, colder and wrapped her arms around herself to keep warm. Anders had taken her by the wrist, his fingers warm and his eyes soft. Without a word he tugged her towards the bed, it was large, definitely large enough for two.

"Anders. I can sleep on the floor, its fine."

He shook his head, "It's cold here, I don't want you to freeze. C'mon, I don't mind."

Brienne shivered as the wind howled outside, cold air rushing up underneath her and turning her fingers numb, "Alright." She breathed, "Only because its cold and because…because I trust you."

The mage smiled and they both climbed into bed together.

Later that night the wind picked up and Brienne shivered silently, her body shaking with cold despite the blankets around her. She felt Anders moving on the other side of the bed and froze, afraid she had woken him. He shuffled closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder to check she was awake.

"Anders…what is it?" She whispered, her hands still shaking.

"Are you cold, Brienne?" Anders asked gently. She could feeling his breath on the back of her neck and it made her heart beat faster in her chest, she forced herself to shuffle further away from him, almost to the point of falling from the bed.

"It's nothing I cannot handle." She breathed, curling in on herself for warmth.

Anders laughed gently, almost affectionately and slid his arm around her waist, tugging her up against him. Her eyes widened and she didn't dare breathe, "Is this okay?"

She nodded, almost without thinking. There was nothing wrong with staying close for warmth, was there? It was the first thing they teach in the circle's survival training, that's all it was. Nothing more. Brienne closed her eyes and forced all thoughts about Anders from her mind, all reasons why he would hold her in his arms other than for warmth. How _damn_ much she wanted it to be for reasons other than warmth. For a while, she had almost convinced herself, almost believed that the gesture meant nothing, that the arm around her body was nothing but a courtesy. Until his lips pressed gently against her shoulder, until she intertwined her fingers with his, until a smile slipped onto her lips, until she realised she never wanted him to let her go.


End file.
